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Fifty Ways
to Run a Dog Trial
(to tune of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover",
by Simon & Garfunkle)
by Pam Green , © 1990
"The problem is that they're quite misled " she said to me,
"They've issued a ban for which they lack authority;
I'd like to help you bid 'Adieu' to AKC.
There must be 50 ways to run a dog trial,
50 ways to run a dog trial."
Just sniff down the track , Mack,
Search a building or car, Star,
To find smack or crack, Jack,
You don't need AKC !
Just gather your sheep, Sweep,
You can fetch, drive, and pen, Ben,
From the outrun to shed, Red,
You don't need AKC !
She said, "Their jurisdiction is quite limited , you know :
And if they would exceed it , we must tell them where to go !
While our Schutzhunds eat the decoy, tell James Crowley to eat crow !
There must be 50 ways to run a dog trial,
50 ways to run a dog trial."
Go retrieve a dead duck, Buck,
And deliver to hand, Brand,
Take a line straight and true , Blue,
You don't need AKC !
Dig a fox from its den, Jen,
Course a rabbit or lure, Sir,
Bay a bear up a tree, Bree,
You don't need AKC !
She said, "It's not 'vicious' if you teach your bitch to bite,
It's really useful: if a burglar comes, it's sure to make your night."
Then , as she bit my neck, I realized she probably was right:
There must be 50 ways to run a dog trial,
50 ways to run a dog trial.
She said, " It's really not my way to talk for quite this long,
And, furthermore, I hope my meaning won't get lost within the song;
But I'll repeat myself , that the AKC is wrong !
There must be 50 ways to run a dog trial,
50 ways to run a dog trial."
Bite the Schutzhund decoy, Joy,
You'll find Ringsport's a thrill, Bill,
Work at K.N.P.V., Lee,
You don't need AKC !
You don't need AKC !
You don't need AKC !
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