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The Grape Defender


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While I was writing "The Great Dissenter", I found the line popping into my head "ohoho yes, I'm the Grape Pretender". well that was going nowhere. but now it's "The Grape Defender".

I very rarely drink alcoholic beverages. I don't enjoy the taste of most of them (exceptions being Chateau La Salle and Harvey's Bristol Cream Sherry) and , as Spock would say, "I like the way my mind functions in its normal condition".

Don't take this song as an encouragement to drinking, nor as condemnation. But it makes a good song and it was a great deal of fun to write. (Much of it was written while walking my dogs.)

to play the music , click the play button below (you may need to adjust the sound level downwards with the sound button) :

<a href="great_pretender.mid">[Play Sound]</a>

Or click the link great_pretender.mid to open in a new window. This will probably play automatically, so don't do it if you are at the library or study hall.

(those of you who looked at this page at an earlier date, unfortunately I had inserted the wrong song MIDI., but am correcting this on 3/06/2019)


The Grape Defender

by Pam Green , © 2018

(to tune of "The Great Pretender")

Ohoho yes, I'm the Grape Defender
Because grapes make the very best wine.
Strawberry's just fair,
Elderberry's too rare,
Only Bradbury drinks Dandilion.

Goo-oo-oos- berry is the Grape Pretender
But gooseberry doesn't make wine.
Cherry wine is sweet
But it can't compete.
Only grapes make the drink that's divine.

Dionysus, Grape's greatest Defender,
Dionysus, the greatest of gods.
He invented wine ,
Blessing all humankind ,
Helped Euripedes earn judges' nods.

There are days when you need a defender,
So restore yourself drinking some wine.
Had a stressful day ?
Sip some Chardonay
And leave all your worries behind.

There are nights when you need a defender
At sunset , the soul's lowest time.
Feeling like a ghost ?
Make Margeaux your toast
With each sip declaring "Le Chaim !"

Ohoho yes, I'm the Grape Defender
You're so much safer drinking good wine.
Cherry cordial stains,
Absinthe rots your brains,
And methanol makes you go blind.

Ohoho yes, I'm the Grape Defender,
The very best people drink wine.
Wine lovers should sneer
At those louts who love beer
And who drink till they're out of their mind.

Mythic Val is my fav'rite bartender,
Chateau Rothchilde or Chateau La Salle,
Bristol Cream is a dream
To which I might surrender,
But it's never my everynight pal.

Envoi :

Prince, pray don't go on a bender.
Too much wine and your liver will scar.
Keep your intake low,
Just achieve a glow,
Absolutely do not drive a car !

alternate envoi :

Future Justice, don't go on a bender :
Too much booze and your conscience gets scarred.
You'll do crime which in time
You'll decline to remember ;
If revealed it should get you disbarred
(or at least get you feathered and tarred .)

footnotes :

"Dandilion Wine" by Ray Bradbury, a collection of short stories by one of the masters of science fiction.

Gooseberry is the only fruit I can think of that might actually be mistaken for grape. I don't know if anyone ever makes wine from it.

Euripedes' "The Bacchae" is considered to be one of the very greatest tragic plays in Greek drama. It won awards at the theater contests, which were part of religious festivals. It was written in his old age while living at the Macedonian court of Archelaus. Dionysus is the central character, star of the show.. This play appears t in Mary Renault's "The Mask of Apollo" and in "Fire From Heaven"

Hillary Rodham Clinton credits Chardonay for helping her through the period following her very very "stressful day" , Election Night 2016.

One of my Bouvier breeder friends says Margeaux is her favorite, but thanks to the dogs, she can rarely afford to buy it.

"Le Chaim" is the Hebrew toast "to life". You don't have to be Jewish to use this toast or to understand it..

I really have nothing against beer drinkers. I don't like the taste of beer, but chacun a son goute. (When I was in grad school at U Wisconsin, I was told that if one doesn't learn to like beer in Wisconsin, one never will.) Getting drunk on beer or on wine (or other alcohol) can inhibit the executive functions of the pre-frontal cortex and thus permit one to commit unwise actions , ethically bad deeds, or criminal behaviors that one would not commit when sober. This is especially hazardous for teenagers and twenty-somethings because their pre-frontal cortex is not yet neurologically mature. At even higher levels of drunkenness one may later be unable to remember having committed unwise acts, bad deeds, or crimes. (Not mentioning any particular individual's name here.)

Mythic Val is Val The Bartender from an SNL skit that ran in 2016. Val was played by Hillary Clinton , while Hillary was played by the SNL actress. A great skit at the time, now feels bitter-sweet.

Chateau La Salle is an inexpensive sweet fruity wine that I liked and occassionally drank. I don't know if it is still marketed. A blend of ordinary white grape juice and peach juice tastes similar. Bristol Cream is Harvey's Bristol Cream Sherry, delicious and quite expensive. I last drank it at my parents' home, probably over 30 years ago.

an Envoi is a final verse that is directed towards the poet's patron, usually addressed as "Prince". It can be flattery for the patron or it can deliver the take-home message of the verses. In this case , my Envoi delivers the needed caveat to those who enjoy wine or beer or any other mind altering substance. Additionally if you are female, you should know you must totally abstain from alcohol throughout pregnancy. That might be a very good reason to refuse to ever become pregnant.

Do I need to say who is the inspiration for the alternate envoi ?



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site author Pam Green copyright 2003
created 10/13/2018 revised 3/20/2019
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