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You Know You've Gone to the Dogs When ...

guest article by author unknown, © 1997

Another little gem from one of the dog e-mail lists. Author unknown. Not specific to Bouviers. (I've added just a couple of comments, and yes, these are at least partly auto-biographical).

If you recognize more than half of these as describing yourself, then yes indeed you have "gone to the dogs".

You Know You've Gone to the Dogs When ...

Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep on any piece they so choose

It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle the poop

All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out comes the checkbook (added : more likely the credit card !)

You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the dogs are all medically up to date

You start barking at your children to "Sit! Stay!"

You're more concerned with the dogs' needs than your own when the budget gets tight

At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming, vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!

Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room

You can only remember people by associating them with their dog

Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you and the dog(s) You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping

You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams

You spend more time looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies than for Victoria's Secret nighties or Miles Kimball gadgets

All your social activities revolve around other dog people

Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist

Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting

The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the vet records, breed papers and registration

Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across (added : and your glove compartment has an adjustable muzzle for injured dogs who might bite from fear and pain.)

The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations

To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees, gas, accommodations and meals

You no longer have to buy extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40 pound dog food bags work just as well

Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard you were a" dog person" (added : "dog whisperer", "dog maven", "dog rabbi"

Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are (added : or she no longer speaks to you because she gets bored when you talk about dogs for more than a few minutes)

Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs

Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies

You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier (added : then you lay down rug runners over the tile when a dog gets old and finds the tile too slippery)

Your children (wife, husband, etc.) complain that you always take more pictures of the dog than you do of them

While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there anyone else in your family besides the dog?"

Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs

Your first concern when planning a vacation is whether or not the hotel will take pets

You politely bow out of an important social engagement so you can attend a dog show

The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of the backyard (added : and good places nearby to walk your dogs)

The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum

You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities

The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation

Your dog decides he doesn't like someone and you tend to agree

All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house

Your friends know which chair not to sit in

First time visitors wonder aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't

You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives

You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and the chair are completely dog full

Your desk proudly displays your canine family

All dates must pass your dog's inspection The first question you ask when on a date is: "So, do you like animals?"

You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six (5 of whom are dogs)

You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on

More than half your grocery money goes to dog food and treats

You buy a mini-van to give them all enough travel room

Your carpeting matches the color of your dog-purposely (added : likewise your furniture coverings)

The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye

You send out especially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs

Your spouse issues the ultimatum: "It's them or me!" and you have no problem pointing out the suitcase ("don't let the door hit you in the butt as you leave")

You readily allow your dogs to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare wipe a toddler's nose (added : and in the age of Corona, that really makes sense !)

Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite

Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire neighborhood (added : and the best Bark Mitzvah, if you are Jewish)

Your dogs eat only the most nutritionally sound food, while your favorite meal is mac'n cheese

You've traced your dog's family tree further than you have your own

You're more familiar with dog laws than you are with people laws

You stagger your dog magazine subscriptions to make sure you'll receive one every week

Your vet's office number is the first one on your speed dial list, his home is number two. One of your vet files is labeled "Other" Your vet takes a few extra courses just to keep up with your breed's assorted ailments. Your file is the only one that remains in the "IN" box at the vet's office. Your file rivals War And Peace.

You can't remember family birthdays and anniversaries, but you can rattle off a six generation pedigree with birthdates, health data and coat colors at the drop of a hat.

You have *two* dog doors between the house and the fenced yard, so the doggies can run circles, half inside, half outside.

You rush to get home from work in time to get some of what your spouse is fixing for the dogs, since s/he doesn't cook for you.

You've just spent $60 on groceries and realize none of it is for yourself.

Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt - coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame - gift wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets - weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater - socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages --- and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular breed you favor.

Your bedspread doesn't have to coordinate with the bedroom, as it's always covered with a sheet for the dogs, anyway. Ditto for the couches.

The family's eye doctor is located in town, but the dog's ophthalmologist is located a two-hour drive away. (added : unless, of course, you live close to a Vet School's teaching hospital)

Your medications are available at the drug store down the block, but your dog's medication has to be ordered from and shipped by a specialist.

It's easier to get a hairdresser's appointment for yourself than it is to get one for your dog. (added : or you trim your own hair with dog clippers)

Dog hair in food is just another spice.

Your dogs have their own Christmas card and gift list -- and they receive cards and gifts in return.

Your dogs have their own Christmas tree -- and it's so full of ornaments that they need a larger one.

The part of your will dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part. The guardians of your dogs will receive a larger amount of insurance policy money than will all other members of your family, combined.

The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the house sitter.

Your personal library is heavy on dog books -- and so is the library for which you order books.

Your favorite month is April - National Dog Appreciation Month!

Your dogs have a larger wardrobe of holiday-related bandanas than you do.

You hate to go to the grocery store for people food, but when the dog treats are gone, off you go with no hesitation, even at the busiest time.

You have three Home Pages -- all of them dealing with your dogs, your friends' dogs, your dogs' friends, etc.

(added : your dogs have a better web site than some major corporations.)

The most exciting times on vacations, no matter where in the world you go, is when you get to pet a dog (a "canine fix"). Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.

The largest display of collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates, photos, cards, etc.

Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.

Introduce your dog to the photographer and ask would you like to kiss fido also.

Cut your vacations to 3 day weekends only.

Call long distance and talk with your dog.

Order 250 Xmas photos of just the dog, no family in photos. Order 5x7 photos of the kids and order 16 x20 of SPOT.

Your Mother's Day (birthday, anniversary, etc.) present is a puppy.

The only time you use your camper is for dog shows.

The part of the backyard you finish first is the dog run.

You spend more time on the computer dealing with "dog stuff" than "other stuff"

Your "Welcome" sign has a dog on it.

Your e-mail address is your kennel name.


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site author Pam Green copyright 2003
created April, 1997 revised 9/07/2020
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