The original song, "(He's A) Very Unfortunate Man" , is about a starving young lawyer who marries a wealthy "old maid" and then discovers to his dismay that the bride wears cosmetics, has false hair , a glass eye, and a false leg, etc. He is considered "unfortunate" because his "old maid" (probably not all that elderly) wealthy bride is not as beautiful as he'd been led to believe, though she presumably really is as wealthy as he believed her to be. (Remember that this dates back to a time when a husband instantly became owner of everything previously owned by his bride.) Needless to say , this song is offensive to feminist sensibilities, so I have re-written it.
 
Even if you don't know all the computer terms, you should be able to guess most of them. Incidentally, in addition to being understood it the computerese sense, the word "hack" can be taken in the equestrian sense of "a well mannered horse who is pleasant to ride."
 

to play the music (quick tempo version) :

or it may work better as


to play the music (slow tempo version) :


 
        

The Web Weaver's Song

(to the tune of "(He's A) Very Unfortunate Man")


by Pam Green , © 2003


 

There was a Web Weaver, a brilliant young maid;
She had many clients , but few of them paid.
So, tired of struggling for groceries and rent,
She courted and married a wealthy old gent.

To her wedding the Weaver came quite well prepared ;
Her Lawyer and Doctor some wisdom had shared :
The Pre-Nup was signed to assign her great wealth;
And the Doctor advised of her Bridegroom's poor health.

      She's a very intelligent, very intelligent,
      Very intelligent girl, oh yes ;
      She's a very intelligent, very intelligent,
      Very intelligent girl !

Doc said, "If you marry this elderly coot,
You're certain to find that his Hard Drive can't boot.
This magic prescription can raise his C prompt
When you're both in the mood for a Bit of a romp."

The Weaver responded with little distress,
"The workaround for that is easy to guess :
Those little blue pills will be easy to hide,
For it's equally certain his Memory's fried."

      She's a very intelligent, very intelligent,
      Very intelligent girl, oh yes ;
      She's a very intelligent, very intelligent,
      Very intelligent girl !

The doctor said gravely, "I'm sad to report,
The length of your marriage is apt to be short :
His BIOS is damaged, his Processor's slow,
And the rest of his Logic Board's ready to blow."

This news was received by the stoic young Bride,
"I'm ready to RISC it." , she calmly replied.
"Until his last Shut Down, I've got a great hack :
I connect twice a week to a healthy young Mac !"

      She's a very intelligent, thoroughly logical,
      Very intelligent girl, oh yes ;
      She's a very intelligent, quite well provided for,
      Very intelligent girl !

 

discussion :

The original song reflects a time when women were brainwashed to consider it a disaster to be an "old maid", meaning unmarried at an age beyond early 20's. Why it should be disasterous for a wealthy woman is hard to understand, especially since this song probably reflects the era in which the husband immediately became owner of any property previously owned by his wife and likewise gained ownership of any earnings she might gain during marriage. My revised version reflects modern law in the USA, though marital property laws vary from state to state.

Although myy version offers good advice to any young woman contemplating trading her youth and beauty as a "trophy wife" to an elderly wealthy man , I don't really encourage anyone to marry primarily for financial gain. Far better to develop your own earning capacity and be self-supporting. My version of the song is simply a humorous rebuttal to an offensive and antiquated concept.


 
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site author Pam Green copyright 2003
created 8/27/03 revised 7/31/2011
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