Dog Owners of America

I wrote this sometime in the late 1980s , and it was published in Dog Sports Magazine.
I dug it out and ran it through an OCR program that I had had for some years but never tried using. did a fairly good job. this will let me add some of my pre-Mac (not to be confused with Premak -- that's a behaviorist joke) material to my site.
(And, yes, I do recognize that the line "dogs don't kill people" does have some very rare exceptions, on the average a total of less than a dozen and a half per year for the entire United States. However so far as I know none of these has been a dog trained for Police K9 work or trained in Schutzhund, Ring, or KNPV. )


by Anne Ominous

Having recently noticed that a friend is being conned out of 1/lOth of his meager monthly income by solicitations from the National Rifle Association and the Gun Owners of America, I have decided to cash in by forming "Dog Owners of America".

My fellow dog-owning Americans, have you realized that your precious God-given right to own an attack-trained dog is in jeopardy? Yes, friends, in serious serious jeopardy! Why we got Trouble, my friends, right here in River City, with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "D" and that stands for "Dog"!

Do you realize, as the NRA and the GOA never cease to remind us, that Registration is the first step towards Confiscation? Tell me, friend, is your dog registered? Dc you realize how easily those AKC or UKC registration records could be subpoenaed by the Bureau of Alcohol, Firearms, Tobacco, and Canines? And have you thought about the dangers of dog licensing? Does your town require you to have a license to own a dog? Why the next thing you know, they'll impose a 15 day waiting period before you can take possession of your newly purchased attack dog! Soon you'll be required to present identification and sign a dealer's record book in order to buy dog food. "High performance" dog food may be outlawed completely. And how about shipping a dog in interstate commerce? Why if the "canine control" nuts have their way, you won't be able to bring your dog into the passenger compartment of any form of public transportation; you'll have to ship him in the luggage compartment in a special locked container. Your person and your carry-on luggage may be searched at airports to prevent you from carrying a concealed dog. Mere possession of a Nylabone will mark you as a suspicious character: why else would you have a dog related item that, being 100* plastic, cannot be detected by an airport metal detector?

And that's only the beginning, my friends. Yes, we got Trouble my friends. We got terrible, terrible Trouble, with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "D" and that stands for "Dog"!

Is your dog trained to do "automatic" master defense, ie to bite in response to the situation of your being under assault? Well those "canine control" freaks are planning to restrict ownership and use of "automatic' dogs to the army and the police! Next they'll restrict ownership of "semi-automatic" (situation plus command) dogs, because we all know it's very easy to convert a "semi-automatic" dog to being fully "automatic." Finally, there will be a total prohibition on owning any dog, trained or not, whose jaw-power potential might enable his fangs to penetrate ballistic nylon!

My fellow dog-owning Americans, arise before it's too late !

Remember: when dogs are outlawed, only outlaws will have dogs !

Remember: dogs don't kill people; dogs only bite people !

Remember: God wants you to have a dog; why else would She give the dog, and no other creature, Her very own name spelled backwards ?

Remember: the Founding Fathers intended you to have a Constitutional Right to have a dog : the Second Amendment was supposed to say "the right to keep and arm bears" (referring of course to that finest of attack dogs, the Bouvier)!

Join the D.O.A. Dog Owners of America) today !

Send 1/lOth of your monthly income to the D.O.A. Political Action Committee every month to fight the menace of the "canine control" commies!

Support the D.O.A. so that when that long-awaited burglar-rapist-drug-crazed-killer arrives at your house your dog will still be there to ensure that the intruder will be DOA !


Related topics :

site author Pam Green copyright 2003
created 7/09/07 revised 7/09/07
return to top of page return to Site Index